By Joe Kraynak
Recently,
Bob posted a story on our original Bipolar Blog called “Heartbroken and devastated from ending a marriage with my
bipolar wife.” In his story, Bob talks about all he would do for his
wife only to feel unappreciated and heartbroken. I don’t know Bob or his wife
or their situation. Nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors in
anyone’s home. However, I could sort of relate to Bob’s description of how he
responded and how he felt.
When you’re in a loving
relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder, it’s common to feel
frustrated and unappreciated at times. No matter how much you do to show your
love, your loved one may not be in a condition to return that love or respond
to it in any positive way. The more you do without receiving anything positive
in return, the greater the frustration and resentment.
You
might start to wonder, “What about me? How long should I have to put up with
this?”
What I’ve learned from living
with and loving someone with bipolar disorder is that expressions of love change,
at least temporarily, in the midst of major mood episodes. Come to think of it,
they change in the midst of any major illness that incapacitates a loved one
physically, emotionally, or mentally. In the case of bipolar disorder, these
periods of illness may be only temporary and, we hope, short lived.
During these times, the normal
things you do and say to please your loved one no longer work. You can speak
all five “love languages” fluently, and nothing you say or do is powerful
enough to break through the barriers or trigger any sort of positive response.
Reason doesn’t work, either. The person is ill and needs some sort of
intervention that puts them back in control of their mental and emotional
facilities.
In
the midst of full-blown mania or major depression, love may mean making
tough decisions – perhaps closing bank or credit card accounts, limiting access
to drugs or alcohol, or even having your loved one hospitalized against their
will. This is the tough love that nobody really likes to engage in, but it’s
often the only course of action that helps manage the episode with the least
possible collateral damage. A forced hospitalization may diminish the intensity
and duration of the mood episode. Other interventions, such as closing bank or
credit card accounts don’t stop the disease but they may mitigate the fallout.
Love
usually means putting your loved one’s needs before your own. What your loved
one needs when he or she is in a manic or depressed state and lacks the insight
to realize what’s going on is your objective perspective, clear thinking, and
assertive presence. This is exhausting. It often feels like you just can’t keep
going, but in the midst of their mental chaos you may need to continuously
repeat your own internal mantra reminding you that it isn’t about you right now
– it’s about your loved one.
Please
share your experiences of tough decisions that bipolar disorder has forced you
to make in helping a loved one during a major mood episode. What happened? How
did your loved one respond at the time? How did your loved one feel about your
decision after fully recovering from the episode? If you have bipolar disorder
and a loved one stepped in to help, please share your experience and insights.
Did your loved one’s efforts help or make things worse? How did you feel at the
time and afterwards, when the mood episode had passed?
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/bipolar/2011/06/love-bipolar-disorder-relationship/
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