Is
it possible to have a happy and healthy relationship if you have, or ARE, a
bipolar spouse or significant other?
The
picture that comes out of the studies done to date is very mixed. What is
particularly striking is the difficulty in separating cause and effect. Is it
the chicken or the egg?
For
example, we know that bipolar
disorder erodes the quality or ALL interpersonal relationships, and marriage is
no exception.
Perhaps
for many of us the intuitive thing is to assume that a person with bipolar
disorder will have poorer interpersonal skills and be harder to get along with
than a "regular" person.
How
many of us look at it the other way around?
What
I mean is, have you ever considered that marital problems may be a trigger for
mood episodes, and it is stress somewhere in the relationship that is making
the bipolar spouse worse?
Overall,
my guess is that the former applies. However, there is still some room for a
complex interplay between marital tensions that arise from the behavior of the
bipolar spouse during a mood episode, and possible increasing and/or triggering
of episodes of mania and/or depression because the bipolar spouse is so
vulnerable to any problems that arise in the marriage.
It
is easy for a couple to fall into a downward spiral where the spouse with
bipolar disorder behaves in ways both highly provocative and highly reactive.
This leads to conflict with their partner, whose negative responses to this
"bipolar behavior" makes the bipolar spouse more stressed and
insecure, in turn triggering even more episodes of mania and/or depression.
Reminder
Bipolar
spouses can be trapped in a cycle of "acting crazy" and knowing it,
creating stress that just triggers more mania and/or depression.
There
is also sometimes an infectious, contagious type of quality to bipolar disorder
when one spouse is afflicted.
The non-bipolar partner, and
the marriage itself, takes on a "bipolar life of its own" as the
non-bipolar spouse see-saws between solicitous and extreme care-giving during
their bipolar husband's or wife's depressive episodes, and feelings of blame,
resentment, anger and betrayal when their spouse is in the manic phase of
bipolar disorder.
Thus the relationship can be
very turbulent and uncertain. It is common for spouses of people with bipolar
disorder to understand and be extremely, even overly, solicitous in response to
depression in their partner, but to have more difficulty in seeing manic
episodes as part of the illness.
Manic
behavior is more likely to be perceived as malicious and deliberate, especially
after the partner with bipolar disorder has been stable for a while and acting
in a more loving, consistent, and predictable manner.
Being
in a committed relationship with someone who has bipolar disorder is a
tremendous challenge.
A
huge proportion of the emails and messages I receive are from people who need
information and support for relationship issues that arise out of one (or both)
partner's bipolar disorder.
The
best resources I know of are:
For
me, as a person with bipolar disorder, maintaining a healthy and happy
relationship involves committing to a Treatment Contract with my spouse, and
sharing a lot of information such as my mood charts, having a transparent
medication regime, visiting my psychiatrist together and so forth.
Bipolar divorce
It
will come as no surprise to learn that bipolar divorce rates are high. The
statistics vary according to the source, but most experts quote rates two or
three times higher than the national average.
A
common - but staggering - statistic that gets bandied about is that 90% of
marriages involving at least one bipolar spouse will end in divorce.
Why
is this figure so high? During episodes of mania, someone with bipolar disorder
is likely to do things that are particularly destructive. Examples include:
1.
Outbursts of anger.
2.
Reckless spending or gambling.
3.
Substance abuse.
4.
Compulsive and obsessive behavior or grandiose schemes that alienate their
husband or wife.
5.
Staying up late, being undependable in their job, around the house, in their
co-parenting and so on, all of which are far more destructive and disruptive
than they may realize.
6.
Sexual obsession, including hypersexuality, preoccupation with inappropriate or
uncharacteristic sexual activity, and infidelity.
What are the consequences of bipolar divorce?
For
the spouse who is NOT bipolar, the consequences of divorce are pretty much the
same as for anybody else:
1.
They may get on with life and be happier and healthier, either as single people
or as part of a new couple.
2.
They may regret the break-up of the marriage and wish they had sought
counseling and other solutions.
3.
They may reconcile with their ex-spouse.
4.
They may repeat the pattern and end up with another spouse who has a mood
disorder or other mental health problem.
The secret to a happy and
healthy marriage with a bipolar spouse is simple - an accurate diagnosis and
compliance with an effective treatment plan.
For
the bipolar spouse, the divorce may lead to a number of difficulties that
compound their mental, emotional, physical, and financial difficulties.
As
Goodwin & Jamison point out in the most authoritative textbook on bipolar
disorder, "Manic-Depressive Illness: Bipolar Disorders and Recurrent
Depression", many studies show that living alone or being single often
leads people to stop taking their medication and complying with their treatment
plans in general.
Divorce
is often a prelude to "downward drift" where the person with bipolar
disorder seeks and receives less treatment, suffers more frequent and more
serious mood swings, encounters problems with employment, the legal system, and
life in general, and experiences deteriorating finances and physical health.
Bipolar marriage
Does
this mean a bipolar marriage is doomed?
Absolutely
not!
In
fact, research has shown that there is little or no difference between the
state of the marriages where one spouse has bipolar disorder but is in
remission, and other married couples in general.
Further,
both groups had similar perceptions of significant events during the course of
their marriages. They shared the same feelings about their courtship, first
year of marriage, and the degree to which the marriage had met expectations.
In
other words, marriage to a person with bipolar disorder who is in treatment and
not experiencing any episodes is pretty much the same as being married to a
"well" person.
Spouses with bipolar disorder
Spouses
with bipolar disorder are likely to have a different impression of their
marriage than their husband or wife.
For
example, a married person with bipolar disorder is often not aware of the full
impact their disorder has on their partner, children, or other family members.
A
2001 study by Dore and Romans found significant others reported serious
difficulties in their relationships with the bipolar partner when s/he was
unwell, with considerable impact on their own employment, finances, legal
matters, co-parenting and other social relationships.
Violence
was a particular worry for partners when their spouse was manic. However, in
spite of all this, many people stay emotionally committed to their bipolar
spouse and are very patient and forgiving of problem behaviors.
This
study has one serious limitation in that it included only committed spouses -
not those who have divorced the bipolar sufferer. (And as the divorce
statistics show, there are a great many of these.)
What
is being presented here is a conflicting and contradictory portrait of the
bipolar spouse:
On
the one hand we are see the huge divorce rate, on the other we have research
showing marriage to someone with bipolar disorder is pretty typical of marriage
in general.
The
difference lies in getting treatment so that mood swings and episodes are
greatly reduced in both frequency and intensity.
Once
the bipolar spouse is stable, it is possible for both partners to gain insight
into bipolar disorder and its impact on both partners - both as individuals and
on their marriage.
From
http://www.bipolar-lives.com/
Article Link:
http://www.bipolar-lives.com/bipolar-spouse.html
No comments:
Post a Comment