Associate Editor
Some sobering statistics: Depression has a much greater impact on marital
life than rheumatoid arthritis or cardiac disease. Ninety percent of marriages
where one person is bipolar ends in divorce.
Persons diagnosed with bipolar disorder have three times the rate of divorce as
the general public, which is about 50 percent.
This
is all to communicate this message: marriages in which one person suffers from
depression or bipolar disorder can be extremely fragile.
I
know, because I’m in one.
Here
are six tips that have helped us and other couples I know defy the statistics.
1. Cut Through the Crap
1. Cut Through the Crap
If
you are married to someone who is in denial, you have quite a job ahead of you.
“I’m not crazy.” “There is nothing wrong with me.” “I am not taking meds.”
These statements do little to move your marriage into the happy zone. In her
book, “When Someone You Love Is Bipolar,”
psychologist Cynthia Last, Ph.D. dedicates a chapter to the subject of denial
and what you can do. She suggests giving your partner a book that he can relate
to and providing literature on the topic.
You
could also try a scientific approach and provide some evidence in the form of
feedback from his friends and family, a list of compelling symptoms
(embarrassing photos are great), or a rundown of the disorder in his family. He
could balk at that, and tell you that you dress like his mother for even
implying such things; however, you’ve done your job to try to educate, and
that’s really all you can do.
2. Find the Right Doctor
I
consider shopping for the right doctor much like buying your first house. Many
components need to go into the decision — it’s not enough to like the bathroom
tiles and the bedroom closet — and some bickering is to be expected. If you
rush the decision, you might wind up living in a house that you hate for a long
time except for the great bathroom tiles. Good doctors save marriages. Bad
doctors destroy them. Good doctors help you get better. Bad doctors worsen your
condition.
If
your partner is bipolar, this is especially important because the average
patient with bipolar disorder takes approximately 10 years to get a proper
diagnosis. About 56 percent are first diagnosed with unipolar depression. I
know this topic well. I went through seven doctors and a ton of diagnoses
before I found the right fit. She saved my life and my marriage.
3. Enter into a Triangle Relationship
In
any other situation, I hate threesomes. Someone always gets left out and people
play dirty — at least they do at my daughter’s play dates. But for marriages
that involve illnesses such as depression or bipolar, a triangle relationship
with a doctor or mental health professional is essential. It keeps your partner
honest, or at least required to unfudge the truth. He reports:“ Feeling
perfect. Meds really kicking in. All is going better than it ever has.” Then
wifey comes in and spills the beans. “He has been curled up on the couch in
tears for the last two weeks, not taking calls from any friends and skipping
important meetings at work.”
The
triangle relationship also allows you some education about his condition. For
example, you might not be aware of what a hypomanic episode looks like until
you hear the doctor describe it. In some cases a mutual understanding of
symptoms is enough for a couple to avert a full-blown manic or depressive episode because together you
can take steps to change the course.
4. Abide by Some Rules
My
husband and I have several rules: I call the doctor after three days of
incessant crying or no sleep. I tell him when I’m
suicidal. He stays with me when I’m a danger to myself. However, the most
important rule is this: I have promised him that I will take my meds. It’s like
how Jack Nicholson told Helen Hunt in the movie “As Good As It Gets” that she
makes him want to take his meds, she “makes him want to be a better man.” The
truth is that many marriages get stuck on this one.
Without
a doubt, the biggest challenge we face in treating bipolar disorder is medical
adherence, according to psychologist Kay Redfield Jamison. “I’d like to make
the obvious point that I don’t think is made enough, which is that it doesn’t
do any good to have effective medications for an
illness if people don’t take them,” she said at the Johns Hopkins 21st Annual
Mood Disorders Symposium. Approximately 40 – 45 percent of bipolar patients do
not take their medications as prescribed. Come up with some rules, and be sure
to include in there “medication adherence.”
5. Learn the Language of the Illness
Sometimes
I forget how hurtful my words can be when I’m expressing how anxious or
depressed I feel. “I just want to be dead.” “I don’t care about anything.” “If
only I was diagnosed with cancer and could make a graceful exodus out of this
world …” Oh, no offense. Thankfully my husband knows that it’s my depression
speaking, not me. He has been able to separate his wife from the illness. That
is the result of lots of research on his part and a few conversations with my psychiatrist.
6. Keep Yourself Sane
Spouses
of persons with depression and bipolar unwittingly become caretakers for major
chunks of time. And caretakers are at high risk for depression and anxiety. Researchers at Yale University School of
Medicine have found that nearly one-third of caregivers who are nursing
terminally ill loved ones at home suffer from depression. A study in Great
Britain found that one in four family caregivers meets the clinical criteria
for anxiety.
Pay
attention to these symptoms: feeling tired and burned out much of the time;
physical signs of stress such as headaches and nausea; irritability; feeling
down, deflated, reduced; changes in sleep or appetite; resentment toward your
spouse; decreased intimacy in your relationship. Remember that if you don’t
secure your oxygen mask first, no one gets air. If my husband didn’t take time
to run and play golf he would be hospitalized alongside me.
From
http://psychcentral.com/blog
Article Link :
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2013/05/13/being-married-to-a-person-with-depression-or-bipolar-6-survival-tips/
No comments:
Post a Comment